Lately I’ve spent ‘way too much time listening to my Inner Censor and its backup group The Committee.
This is not a good thing.
Besides doing a number on my self-confidence, listening to those turkeys makes it easy for me to fall into overachiever/drudge/doormat mode. Among other things I find myself doing ‘way too much for people who are perfectly capable of doing stuff for themselves because I:
- am desperate for some kind of approval
- voluntarily set aside my own boundaries
- forget that “No” is an answer
Usually when this happens I end up depressed, viewing the world through corpse-colored glasses as I slog through my War and Peace-sized to-do list.
But this time was different.
This time I was royally, vehemently, unilaterally pissed off.
So I tossed my gotta-do list into the shredder, told the Censor and Committee to f*** right off and proceeded to do a bunch of stuff from my wanna-do list:
- Took a vacation day from work. Words cannot begin to express how badly I needed this downtime. The only chore assigned to that day (a Friday) was a trip to the grocery store in order to avoid the Saturday madness, which was a blessing all by itself.
- Bought some denim leggings. Been wanting to try them for ages but never did because I don’t look like the models in the ads. Well, screw that. The leggings look good and feel great. (Side benefit: I have problems with my knees, and something about the fit of the leggings lessens the pain considerably. I found myself moving around a lot more; even going up and down stairs wasn’t as challenging.)
- Did a daytime full-moon bonfire. Didn’t want to wait until night, so we didn’t. Judd got a scrap-wood fire going and we sat enjoying the gorgeous blue October sky and sunshine. (As a fair-complexioned former redhead, quite a few months of the year my relationship with sunshine is akin to a vampire’s. So this was a wonderful luxury.)
- Did a long-postponed releasing ritual. Already had a nice fire going, so it was a simple matter to grab a notepad & pen, write down things I want to see gone on a personal level (example: “inertia”, “procrastination”, “fear of positive change”) and world level (things like “injustice”, “war”, “inequality”), add a brief clarification if one was needed, and toss each note into the fire.
- Worked on my book for the first time in ages. While editing a conversation between a middle-aged former roadie with 20+ years clean and sober and a much younger active drug addict, I had the younger man say, “When everything goes up in flames, how do you keep doing that one-day-at-a-time stuff?” The older man ponders for a moment, then replies, “The way I see it, if I stay clean, I can be an everyday phoenix, rising from the ashes. Beats the hell out of the alternative.” I stared at that line for awhile after I wrote it, and I’ll be thinking of it in a variety of contexts for a very long time.
- Rented Peter Gabriel’s “Secret World” concert from Amazon and watched it that night. Loved every minute. The last number is my absolutely favorite song of all time. I use the concert version as an energetic meditation, and I want to share it with you.
Take care, all!
Judd’s nasty bug I mentioned in my last post ended up turning downright vicious. It went from flu to pneumonia with the speed of light, and poor Judd ended up in the hospital from March 5th until late afternoon of March 17th. He’s been home for a little over a week now and is steadily getting better, but time’s gonna take time.
This stuff is pure evil—and not the kind you can banish with a healthy dose of smudge. So please, everybody, take care of yourselves.
Judd ended up tethered to all kinds of IVs, fed countless pills, and caught in a love/hate relationship with oxygen masks. The fact that my beloved human timber wolf allowed all this to be done to him without protest (or jailbreak) is a testimony to how very sick he was.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried, not to mention downright scared sometimes. But one thing I’ve learned through dealing with my various fears and phobias over the years is not to let it immobilize me. Life’s gonna keep on keepin’ on, and I have to do the same.
I’m scared of hospitals, but I love Judd and wanted to be with him so I spent lots of time there. I got to know the people, the routine, how to bend a few rules here and there, how to advocate when needed. (Did I mention I’m afraid of confrontation?) Being in the hospital was really hard for Judd, and anything I could do to make things easier for him was far more important than any pesky little fears.
Judd’s definitely doing better. He’s on oxygen therapy for now, which means he travels around our two-story house with several miles of tubing. There was a bit of a learning curve at first—he almost lassoed one of our Buddha statues during an early pilgrimage down the stairs—but now the man has got it down!
I would never, ever have wished for Judd to get so sick. But being there to help him in any way I could is the most worthwhile thing I’ve done in a very long time.
I’m here to tell you–love kicks fear’s ass.
Looks like an evil little critter hitchhiked a ride on my unsuspecting husband.
Poor Judd’s been dealing with a lung-busting, rib-cracking cough for a couple of days (and nights) now. I had my fingers crossed that it was something an antibiotic would quickly put to flight, but according to the doctor that wretched beast (the critter, not Judd) is a virus. A virus just laughs in the face of antibiotics and goes about its nasty business.
Continue reading “Going Viral”
Finally broke down and got new glasses.
I knew the old ones weren’t cutting it anymore. I’d often catch myself squinting at street signs and zooming in more and more on the computer screen. Whatever fancy-dancy coating they put on the lenses had gone rogue and made it impossible to clean them.
Of course I had a number of excuses for not addressing the situation sooner.
Continue reading “Eye Can See Clearly Now…..”
I haven’t made New Year’s resolutions for longer than I care to think about.
Oh, I used to do it. Sometimes I’d write a list on a piece of paper which I would then slap up where it would stare me in the face on a regular basis. Invariably I’d get so used to that paper being around
that I didn’t really see it anymore, which usually coincided with my rapidly diminishing New Year’s fervor. By the end of February the list was nothing but a reminder of my abject failure, so it ended up in the circular file.
Continue reading “My New Year’s UNresolutions”
1. Expect the unexpected.
2018 took an unholy delight in shaking things up, throwing things out, and lobbing meteorites from out of nowhere. It was disconcerting, upsetting, depressing, and exhausting.
Continue reading “Four things 2018 taught me”
While scrolling through my Facebook feed the other day I came across something that brought me up shorter than I already am:
Continue reading “Harmless joy”